Relationships are hard. There wouldn't be so many articles, videos, and podcasts on the topic if they weren’t. As humans, our need to connect, feel seen and validated for who we are by each other is visceral and motivates most of our behaviors.

We have all heard the old adage, "Stay in your lane or clean up your side of the street." These sayings are valuable anecdotes when navigating the minefield of learning how to coexist with other people.

I was born in the early 80’s. A time before transparent conversations about self help, conscious and unconscious uncoupling, and authentic life choices were the norm. In the early 2000’s when I was just entering the workforce as a young dietitian in New York City, I remember the abhorring look on the faces of friends and family when I confidently declared that I was leaving my stable job and comfortable central park west apartment in pursuit of a more authentic life. I wasn't satisfied with my current status quo and didn't want to wake up in 20 years with regrets ruminating over a life unlived.

As you can imagine, this was met with some predictable pushback and subsequent years of awkward family dinners, eye rolling, defensive dialogue and clever avoidance tactics. In retrospect though, I am supremely grateful. Even in those challenging times, and when I behaved in ways I am not proud of, or received comments that hurt my feelings, I always approached this time as an opportunity to gain the skills necessary for personal growth and the unfolding of wisdom through experience.

Almost 20 years later, I am proud of the woman I have become. I love my work. I am nourished by my relationships and I have learned to take responsibility for myself in a way that facilitates true intimacy with others by developing an inner architecture built on radical honesty and courageous communication.

I have learned that this piece is truly the foundation on which all else is built. The ability to hold your space, and also know when and how to make it safe to release and receive. To build boundaries not barriers. The perspective necessary to see and appreciate the view of another person and discern from a place of respect whether an arrangement is aligned for your needs and how to approach that from a place of maturity and respect.

Here is a short entree into how I navigate relationships and some tips you can begin to include into your life as a means to create a softer and more compassionate connection with the people you care about.

1. Be Prepared. Be clear on your motivations and desired result. Before engaging in an interaction, it is essential to have clarity on your purpose, intentions and the essence of a result. Of course, things can change within a dynamic, but this is a good start. From here, you can begin to design the architecture needed to embark on clear and concise communication that will lead to deeper understanding.

2. Intra-Personal Responsibility. Creating safety with yourself. Take responsibility for your own comfort and happiness. This piece shifts our tendency towards defensiveness, blame and shame to receptivity, openness and possibility. Ask yourself what you need to feel safe and comfortable and create those conditions to the best of your ability ON YOUR OWN. When possible rely on yourself for these things and it will open up more space to participate in life when circumstances may be out of your control.

3. Inter-Personal Accountability. Creating safety with others. This tool allows you to say no from a place of empowerment, strength and kindness. At the end of the day, we want to continue to stay connected to this person. Preserving the kindness is key.

This is what I call practicing Soft Boundaries. In a situation which may be triggering, show up from a place of being completely full in who you are, having created your safe spaces and attending to your needs. You are open to receiving and sharing energy from the other person if they are able to engage in a mutually agreeable energetic exchange.

Implementing these tools help to create connections as opposed to reinforcing trauma and separation by creating a hard, protective barrier that ultimately leads to hurt and disappointment. Learning and practicing these tools regularly will help you to feel supported and safe in all your relationships.

Alana Kessler, MS, RDN E-RYT, is a registered dietitian, functional nutritionist, yoga and meditation teacher, speaker and author. Alana’s intuitive and creative approach to health and wellness has impacted thousands through her private practice and international yoga and mindfulness trainings and retreats. A graduate of NYU with a BA and MS in clinical nutrition. Her health, fitness, and lifestyle expertise has been featured in Aaptiv.com, Droz.com, EatThis.com, RD.com, Redbook, WomensHealthmag.com, and Vogue. For more information, visit her website at www.bewellbyak.com.