The holidays are filled with tradition and when someone is missing, the impact feels concentrated. Here are some tips to prepare and survive the emotions.
As a kid, the month of December was always packed with wonder for me. I couldn't wait to get the tree up, decorate, and down some of those festive holiday cookies. I loved looking at all the lights and gazing at the store décor. I got a special kick out of putting the dollar bill my dad slipped into my pocket into the Salvation Army bucket.
Memories. This season abounds with them. We bump into one with almost every step.
As we get older, the season naturally loses some of its wonder. Most of us probably don't count presents under the tree or stay up late to watch the Santa Tracker anymore. Life became serious. Responsibilities increased. We settled into a more practical view of this time of year.
For some, this season might be more about surviving than celebrating. We put a good face on it, of course. Inside, however, we're sighing. We remember what was. Somehow the present just doesn't measure up.
There are people missing this year. Many have experienced the departure of friends, coworkers, and family members. Some are experiencing their first Christmas without their spouse, parent, sibling, or child. More than fanfare, lights, and presents, many need comfort, hope, and healing.
If you’re missing someone this season, here are seven tips for Christmas survival.
1. Give yourself permission to grieve.
You're missing someone important. Feeling sad is natural, common, and healthy. Grief is love in action.
2. Take your heart seriously.
Find ways to express your grief and what's happening inside you.
Talk it out. Speak their name. Share their story. Share memories with others who knew them.
Write it out. Express your heart in a journal. Record what you miss and what you’re thankful for. Write them a letter. Create a poem or story.
Art it out. Draw a portrait of them. Paint something in their honor. Create something that reminds you of them.
So much of grieving is simply "getting it out." Make healthy choices in this and your heart will thank you.
3. Manage those holiday expectations.
We all have expectations. You have expectations of yourself. You have expectations of others. Others have expectations of you. And the world expects you to be fa-la-la happy and perpetually smiling.
It’s been said that an expectation is a disappointment waiting to happen. You can protect you heart by taking some time to identify your holiday expectations—of both yourself and others.
Once you identify those sneaky expectations, evaluate them. Be realistic. What's good for you this year? What do you want to do, how, when, and with whom?
4. Make a simple plan to honor the one you're missing.
Display a picture. Set up an empty chair. Donate to a cause they were passionate about. Volunteer in memory of them.
Write them a letter or card. Continue a tradition that was special to them or start a new one. Plan a time of sharing memories.
Get creative but keep it simple. Having a plan can unplug some of our holiday dread.
5. Get around people who are helpful to you and limit your exposure to those who aren't.
Who drains you? Guard your heart if you have to be around them. Who inspires you and lifts you up? Make plans to spend time with them.
Your heart is vulnerable. The world has plenty of negative, toxic influences. You need comfort, healing, and hope. Take good care of you by being with safe, loving, trustworthy people.
6. Plan proactively for grief bursts.
What is a grief burst?
You’re walking along minding your own business, and then you hear that song, get a whiff of that aroma, or see that familiar picture, and suddenly grief hijacks you.
That’s a grief burst.
If grief suddenly overtakes you in a public place, what will you do? What are your options? Stay in place and breathe through it? Excuse yourself to the restroom? Head to your car?
Grief bursts can happen anywhere, anytime, especially during the holidays. When you’re heading into places where grief bursts are likely (parties, Christmas shopping, movies, etc.), determine your options beforehand.
A little awareness and planning can go a long way.
7. Plan a few canned responses for those who ask how you’re doing.
"How are you doing?" can be a scary question for a grieving heart.
Do you dare answer honestly? How honest can you be? Do you hide behind the mask and put on the expected holiday façade? Do you simply smile and say, "I’m fine."
It can be freeing to know what you will say in advance to people who have a hard time with grief.
"I'm good, but I sure miss him."
"Thank you for your concern. It's tough."
"I’m hurting, but I’m working through it."
Being proactive and developing a few planned phrases can make a huge difference.
If you’ve lost someone special, your life has been altered forever. Nothing is the same, especially the holidays.
Remember this year will be different, but it can still be good. Holidays are about the heart. Be kind to your own heart this year.
Award-winning author, speaker, and grief specialist Gary Roe is a compassionate and trusted voice in grief-recovery who has been bringing comfort, hope, encouragement, and healing to hurting, wounded hearts for more than 30 years. Grab his free eBook, "I Miss You: A Holiday Survival Kit, or download a free excerpt of "Surviving the Holidays Without You." For more information, visit www.garyroe.com.
