I always told my friends that a widower would make the best husband. I generalized that most widowers had probably been in long-term marriages and deeply committed to their wives. If a man could love and adore his first wife, it made sense to me that he could love and adore a second wife. I never dreamed I’d actually marry one, though!

All of my positive ideas about marrying a widower were true. I’m adored and loved beyond measure; however, I must admit it hasn’t been all sunshine and roses. Marrying a widower definitely has its unique challenges, but they can be overcome. My husband and I attribute our successful marriage to three keys: sacrifice, communication, and counseling.

Sacrifice

My husband was pretty lost when we started dating. His wife had been gone for a year and half, but he still wasn’t sure if he wanted to have another relationship; or how to go about having one if he were interested.

Although he had no clue how to date and was still grieving, he pursued me relentlessly. He let me know in so many ways that I was what he wanted. His biggest act of showing me that he was ready to move on was walking away from his marital home with literally only his clothes and a few boxes.

In return, I sold my condo that to me represented my independence as a single woman providing for herself, and moved with him into the home we built together. By sacrificing something that was important to us individually, we forged a bond that set a tone of trust in our relationship.

Communication

My husband still has some funky days. Their severity has decreased, and they are fewer and farther between, but grief still rears its head occasionally.

I’ve found the best way to deal with times like this is to let him feel all he feels. He spent decades with his first wife. Who am I to ask him to never remember it or think about it? Grieving and healing take place over time in waves and phases and cannot be put into rigid stages with prescribed reactions. There are twists and turns (Silverman & Thomson, 2018).

My husband lets me know when he might have a funky day, such as the anniversaries of his first marriage or the death of his late wife. I thank him for letting me know and then go about my day. If he needs some extra attention, I give it. If he needs time alone, I let him be.

Counseling

One of the best things we did in the early months of our marriage was seek counseling. Being a newlywed when you’re older is no less challenging than being a newlywed when you’re younger. You know better about a lot of things, but you bring along a lot more baggage too.

A big challenge my husband had to overcome was the feeling that he was cheating on his late wife to be with me. Moving out of his marital home helped a lot, but it took a while for him to accept that being happy with me did not diminish any happiness he had with her. He had to find a way to differentiate his new life from his old life.

Although sacrifice, open communication, and counseling are helpful in any new or mature relationship, they are especially important when a widower remarries. A widower must consciously choose to move on and make his new wife the center of his attention and affection.

In return, his new wife must be understanding when grief pops up from time to time and acknowledge the efforts he puts forth to make her his priority. By each striving together, it is possible to overcome the challenges of remarrying after widowhood to build a blissful life together.

Traci Clarida is an author, speaker, and coach whose vibrant energy spreads positivity, love, and compassion to the world. She inspires women to get “stuff” done through authentic living and embracing "perfect imperfection”. She teaches clients how to find freedom from self-judgment and provides proven strategies to guide them to overcome obstacles, complete goals and execute solid plans for success. Follow Traci on FB and Instagram. For more information visit www.letsgetstuffdone.com.

References: Silverman, P. R., & Thomson, S. (2018). When men grieve: Widowers' stories of coping with their wives' deaths. Omega: Journal of Death & Dying, 77(2), 133-153. doi:10.1177/0030222817695178