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How to Approach Difficult Conversations With Your SpouseNow is the time to talk with your spouse about racism. If it feels uncomfortable, here's how to navigate the convo.
Harli Marten
Some conversations just aren't easy to have, but that likely means they're really important.
“ Listen to your partner's perspective without any judgment.”
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We are living in a unique time right now, and it is providing many opportunities for learning, growth, and really listening to one another about racism. Difficult conversations must take place amongst people to bring about awareness and a better understanding of what is really going on, on a macro and micro level. Although we think we know our significant others, sometimes a sit-down conversation is what we need to do to understand our own opinions and perspectives better.
Talking to your partner about racism and the civil rights movement may not be the most comfortable conversation, but it is an important conversation. Knowing where your partner stands on the topic of racism is essential. For instance, if your significant other does not see racism as a problem and is unwilling to talk about it, is that a deal-breaker for you? Will you be able to be authentic in this relationship, knowing that information without discussing it?
I recommend that before the conversation, both people should educate themselves as much as possible about racism from books and various modes of educational content that is available. There are ways to have healthy and productive conversations, but you need to leave any type of judgment out of it if you want to thrive in this relationship together. Listen to your partner's perspective without any judgment. If you have a different perspective than your partner, it might feel daunting and even impossible not to judge them; however, judgments are incredibly detrimental in a relationship.
Can you accept one another regardless of their opinions on racism? Acceptance doesn't mean agreeing, and that's ok. You do not need to agree with how your partner feels, but as long as you still love them unconditionally, that's how the relationship can thrive even through tense moments when emotions are heightened. Couples who love each other unconditionally stand the test of time. Can you love your partner even if you don't agree with their opinions? Can you see past your differences? Only you can answer that question for you. Take the time to be introspective and see how you feel. In relationships, it's vital for both people to feel seen and heard. Both people should feel completely comfortable sharing what they choose to share without the fear that they will be judged.
What if your partner says something that makes you feel uncomfortable, but you want to avoid an argument?
Honoring your feelings and using your voice in a relationship is a must if you want to have an authentic relationship. If you feel uncomfortable about what your partner says about racism, you need to let them know what you think; there are ways to do this that are conducive to having a positive and mature conversation.
First, you always want to start the conversation with an "I love you." When you say those meaningful words and look your partner in the eyes, it is disarming; they will not be defensive because they will feel loved. Make it clear that you are bringing something up because you feel like it's essential for there to be a mutual understanding of one another in the relationship, and you're not sure you understand what they meant when they said x, y, and z. Also, you'll want to let your partner know that you are bringing up something that bothered you, not to start a fight, but rather to better understand what your partner said because it bothered you. You don't want to resent your partner and feel angered in any way without expressing how you feel. It's better to get it out on the table. Let your partner know that you have no desire to fight; you want to understand why they said what they said, and if it was something that you felt offended by, express that you felt offended.
Whether we are talking to our significant others or a friend or family matter, our primary goal should always be to exist in relationships where we feel comfortable to have an open dialogue about anything and everything. After expressing how you feel, if your significant other is defensive, closed-off, aggressive, or argumentative in any way, explain that you'd like to keep the level down to have a productive conversation. If they are in a heightened state and feel that it will be difficult for you to be heard and seen, then perhaps wait until the next day. If emotions are running high, it won't be conducive to having a positive conversation.
Having a conversation about racism is not a quick fix. This conversation isn't something that should be checked off a list, like "one and done." The conversation should be a mutually agreed upon on-going communication to build upon and increase awareness, understanding, and compassion.
However you decide to talk to your significant other about racism, make sure that you don't delay or make excuses as to why it's not necessary, or it's not the right time. The time is now; we must be having these open and honest conversations because the more we are open to listening and seeing the truth of what is going on and what has been going on throughout time, the stronger and more united we will all feel.
Jaime Bronstein, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in relationships. Jaime earned a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Boston University and her Master’s degree in Social Work from New York University. In addition, Jaime holds a certificate in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica. Practicing for over 18 years, Jaime is known for integrating a cognitive-behavioral, humanistic and spiritual approach determined by the specific needs of her clients. Her specialties include working with people experiencing a range of relationship issues pertaining to singles, couples, breakups/divorces and parenting. In addition, Jaime is well known for her weekly radio show, Love Talk Live, airing on LA Talk Radio. Love Talk Live is a radio show focusing on all things relationships and features expert guests each week to discuss thought-provoking and inspirational topics regarding love and relationships. Featured for both of her expertise in love and relationships, as well as her knowledge in spiritual healing, Jaime has secured top tier media placements in outlets such as Bustle, Chicago Tribune, Well + Good, Positively Positive and more. For more information about Jaime, please click here.
Talking to your partner about racism and the civil rights movement may not be the most comfortable conversation, but it is an important conversation. Knowing where your partner stands on the topic of racism is essential. For instance, if your significant other does not see racism as a problem and is unwilling to talk about it, is that a deal-breaker for you? Will you be able to be authentic in this relationship, knowing that information without discussing it?
I recommend that before the conversation, both people should educate themselves as much as possible about racism from books and various modes of educational content that is available. There are ways to have healthy and productive conversations, but you need to leave any type of judgment out of it if you want to thrive in this relationship together. Listen to your partner's perspective without any judgment. If you have a different perspective than your partner, it might feel daunting and even impossible not to judge them; however, judgments are incredibly detrimental in a relationship.
Can you accept one another regardless of their opinions on racism? Acceptance doesn't mean agreeing, and that's ok. You do not need to agree with how your partner feels, but as long as you still love them unconditionally, that's how the relationship can thrive even through tense moments when emotions are heightened. Couples who love each other unconditionally stand the test of time. Can you love your partner even if you don't agree with their opinions? Can you see past your differences? Only you can answer that question for you. Take the time to be introspective and see how you feel. In relationships, it's vital for both people to feel seen and heard. Both people should feel completely comfortable sharing what they choose to share without the fear that they will be judged.
What if your partner says something that makes you feel uncomfortable, but you want to avoid an argument?
Honoring your feelings and using your voice in a relationship is a must if you want to have an authentic relationship. If you feel uncomfortable about what your partner says about racism, you need to let them know what you think; there are ways to do this that are conducive to having a positive and mature conversation.
First, you always want to start the conversation with an "I love you." When you say those meaningful words and look your partner in the eyes, it is disarming; they will not be defensive because they will feel loved. Make it clear that you are bringing something up because you feel like it's essential for there to be a mutual understanding of one another in the relationship, and you're not sure you understand what they meant when they said x, y, and z. Also, you'll want to let your partner know that you are bringing up something that bothered you, not to start a fight, but rather to better understand what your partner said because it bothered you. You don't want to resent your partner and feel angered in any way without expressing how you feel. It's better to get it out on the table. Let your partner know that you have no desire to fight; you want to understand why they said what they said, and if it was something that you felt offended by, express that you felt offended.
Whether we are talking to our significant others or a friend or family matter, our primary goal should always be to exist in relationships where we feel comfortable to have an open dialogue about anything and everything. After expressing how you feel, if your significant other is defensive, closed-off, aggressive, or argumentative in any way, explain that you'd like to keep the level down to have a productive conversation. If they are in a heightened state and feel that it will be difficult for you to be heard and seen, then perhaps wait until the next day. If emotions are running high, it won't be conducive to having a positive conversation.
Having a conversation about racism is not a quick fix. This conversation isn't something that should be checked off a list, like "one and done." The conversation should be a mutually agreed upon on-going communication to build upon and increase awareness, understanding, and compassion.
However you decide to talk to your significant other about racism, make sure that you don't delay or make excuses as to why it's not necessary, or it's not the right time. The time is now; we must be having these open and honest conversations because the more we are open to listening and seeing the truth of what is going on and what has been going on throughout time, the stronger and more united we will all feel.
Jaime Bronstein, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in relationships. Jaime earned a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Boston University and her Master’s degree in Social Work from New York University. In addition, Jaime holds a certificate in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica. Practicing for over 18 years, Jaime is known for integrating a cognitive-behavioral, humanistic and spiritual approach determined by the specific needs of her clients. Her specialties include working with people experiencing a range of relationship issues pertaining to singles, couples, breakups/divorces and parenting. In addition, Jaime is well known for her weekly radio show, Love Talk Live, airing on LA Talk Radio. Love Talk Live is a radio show focusing on all things relationships and features expert guests each week to discuss thought-provoking and inspirational topics regarding love and relationships. Featured for both of her expertise in love and relationships, as well as her knowledge in spiritual healing, Jaime has secured top tier media placements in outlets such as Bustle, Chicago Tribune, Well + Good, Positively Positive and more. For more information about Jaime, please click here.
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