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Building Your New Family Life (After Divorce) - Part 1When your parenting partnership gets cut in half, you embark on a new process of rediscovering how you want to parent.
Negative Space
You need to recalibrate how to parent once you and your child's biological parent separate.
“ Now that element is gone, you start to discover that being a single parent is lonely.”
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The following is an excerpt from Chapter 5 of "Moving On: Redesigning Your Emotional, Financial, and Social Life"
After divorce, each party has the opportunity to redefine who they are as a parent. Some parents were hardly home before the divorce, while others parented full time. Both can start anew in their parental roles and determine their house rules and expectations, while clearly communicating this to the children involved.
Getting used to single life after marriage is not easy. In fact, it’s stressful, mentally draining, and generally not all that enjoyable. Approaching single parenthood takes that to a whole new level. For better or worse, you don’t have to consult with someone else in terms of day-to-day parenting when your kids are with you. Maybe you didn’t get along with your ex on parenting tactics, and now you don’t have that tension, which can be nice. However, at least you had someone to share the day and ideas, even if you disagreed. Now that element is gone, you start to discover that being a single parent is lonely.
The good news is it doesn’t have to be. Bring your family members into the childrearing process. Ask their advice, suggestions, or thoughts on particular issues. If you have a sibling with children, they’re a great place to start. If you don’t have siblings, consider reaching out to your kids’ friends’ parents.
Whoever you go to, the closer in age that person’s own children are to yours, the better. Your parents can also be good for advice, but just know that the generation gap may prove too great an obstacle for certain issues. Even if you have a 10-year-old and your friend has a college-age child, that friend’s advice might already be dated. Parenting standards often change quite a bit over even a decade, so if you can, find someone who is going through a similar experience with similar-aged children as you.
Another big help is to get input from your own kids, especially if they’re old enough to have opinions about things. Ask them what they want to do about a given issue, but be clear that you are not abdicating control or giving the child decision-making power. You’re asking for their input. "Let’s think about what we want to do this weekend, come up with a bunch of ideas, and decide. Is there anything you want to do?" It doesn’t have to be a specific activity, but at least try to feel out their goals with their parent time. If your kids feel free enough to give you feedback, that’s a great way to learn how they like things done or what makes them the most comfortable.
What Make-Type of Parent Are You?
When parenting, your goal is to raise independent young adults, not to raise children. It’s important to instill in them the confidence and skills to take care of themselves. To do that, most parents adopt one of two broad approaches: authoritative and authoritarian. If you’re not sure which camp you fall into, online quizzes are a good place to start, offering input on what you’re doing well, what tactics you should be more aware of, and what approaches you might want to consider changing.
Most experts agree that an authoritative parenting style is more effective than an authoritarian one. In this approach, you still have the final say, but you’re open to incorporating your kids’ ideas into a group problem-solving process, and you won’t make rules blindly without reason. Decisions are made with a good explanation as to why you’re making them.
The authoritarian, or dictator, approach may accomplish a lot of your parenting goals, but it leaves your kids with no say in anything. As a result, they lose out on the opportunity to develop the problem-solving skills they will need as an adult. Everyone needs to know how to sit down with a group, brainstorm solutions, decide on the best one, and agree on their course of action. If your child can learn that at home, they will learn how to incorporate that skill into their own lives as they grow.
Reinventing Who You Are as a Parent
Divorce offers nearly endless opportunities for personal growth. Here is a second chance to choose what kind of parent you want to be. In my practice, I’ve noticed that while both spouses often have jobs outside the home, the women still tend to take on much more of the parenting role. As a result, the majority of my male clients have never even experienced what it’s like to be a half-time parent, much less a full-time one.
After divorce, however, these same men suddenly find that they’re responsible for their kids a full 50 percent of the time and realize they have to start parenting. It’s a wonderful opportunity to rebound, commit to the role, and do it well. Here’s my advice to all the ex-spouses—often men—who spent their marriage working too much and not spending enough time at home: take advantage of this new opportunity to spend time with your children.
The best way to do this is to change your work schedule. Plan to work late on days you don’t have the kids so you can get home early on days you do have them. In fact, plan on being home right after school, when kids are likely at their most talkative and they want to tell you about their days. When they have friends over, pay attention to how they interact with others and make yourself available if they ask you to participate in whatever they’re doing.
Naturally, getting more involved with your kids’ lives depends greatly on your job flexibility. Some jobs allow for flexible hours, or even part- of full-time telecommuting, but this might not be true for you. If that’s the case, see if you can arrange for custody during times of the week where you’re more available.
Whatever you do, make sure you’re making the most out of this opportunity to impact your children’s lives. Remember, spending time with your kids is priceless, especially when they’re younger. You’ll be surprised at how quickly they become independent leaders of their own lives, teenagers who come home from school, retreat to their rooms, and maintain their own social circles. Don’t waste the time you have.
Seek Ways to Improve
As a parent, you should always be asking yourself, "Am I doing the best I can? What could I do differently?" Ask yourself that question over and over. For instance, making school lunches might not seem like a big deal, but if your kids aren’t eating them, then it’s up to you to improve or adjust so they do.
Here again, therapists are an invaluable resource for personal improvement. If you are unsure of your worth as a parent, and if you’re willing to be specific about your concerns, a therapist can offer feedback, help in a problem-solving capacity, or discuss alternatives. One of the best ways to improve your parenting skills is to ask yourself a lot of questions: What do my kids like? What are they good at? What could they use help with? What makes me proud of my kids? What makes me frustrated with them?
Look at all the good things and take pride in them, and then quickly move on to any lingering problems or areas they need help. Take some time with this. Look inside each issue and carefully consider what actions you could take (or encourage your kids to take) that will inspire.
David J. Glass is uniquely qualified to handle complex family law matters because he is one of a few select attorneys who is dually-trained in law and clinical psychology (PhD). He offers his clients an “inside look” at, and understanding of, the procedures employed by court-appointed mental health and psychological professionals, in addition to handling the full range of family law matters. Prior to his law career, Glass worked as a therapist treating adults with anxiety disorders, mood disorders and drug & alcohol addictions, and worked in a psychiatric emergency room. Glass is best known for handling A-list celebrities and was highly-lauded for his work on the Kelly Rutherford custody issue in its early stages. Glass has appeared on NBC’s Extra and Good Day L.A. as well as serving as a guest on KABC Radio’s Real Estate Zone, The Ed Tyll Show on Starcom Radio,WMT Radio, and “David and Friends” on WYTM radio. A regular columnist and contributor to "Divorce" magazine and Hitchedmag.com, Glass is currently working on a book, "Moving On," a tome geared to help divorcees and their families reconstruct their lives after divorce.
After divorce, each party has the opportunity to redefine who they are as a parent. Some parents were hardly home before the divorce, while others parented full time. Both can start anew in their parental roles and determine their house rules and expectations, while clearly communicating this to the children involved.
Getting used to single life after marriage is not easy. In fact, it’s stressful, mentally draining, and generally not all that enjoyable. Approaching single parenthood takes that to a whole new level. For better or worse, you don’t have to consult with someone else in terms of day-to-day parenting when your kids are with you. Maybe you didn’t get along with your ex on parenting tactics, and now you don’t have that tension, which can be nice. However, at least you had someone to share the day and ideas, even if you disagreed. Now that element is gone, you start to discover that being a single parent is lonely.
The good news is it doesn’t have to be. Bring your family members into the childrearing process. Ask their advice, suggestions, or thoughts on particular issues. If you have a sibling with children, they’re a great place to start. If you don’t have siblings, consider reaching out to your kids’ friends’ parents.
Whoever you go to, the closer in age that person’s own children are to yours, the better. Your parents can also be good for advice, but just know that the generation gap may prove too great an obstacle for certain issues. Even if you have a 10-year-old and your friend has a college-age child, that friend’s advice might already be dated. Parenting standards often change quite a bit over even a decade, so if you can, find someone who is going through a similar experience with similar-aged children as you.
“ Ask them what they want to do about a given issue, but be clear that you are not abdicating control or giving the child decision-making power.”
Another big help is to get input from your own kids, especially if they’re old enough to have opinions about things. Ask them what they want to do about a given issue, but be clear that you are not abdicating control or giving the child decision-making power. You’re asking for their input. "Let’s think about what we want to do this weekend, come up with a bunch of ideas, and decide. Is there anything you want to do?" It doesn’t have to be a specific activity, but at least try to feel out their goals with their parent time. If your kids feel free enough to give you feedback, that’s a great way to learn how they like things done or what makes them the most comfortable.
What Make-Type of Parent Are You?
When parenting, your goal is to raise independent young adults, not to raise children. It’s important to instill in them the confidence and skills to take care of themselves. To do that, most parents adopt one of two broad approaches: authoritative and authoritarian. If you’re not sure which camp you fall into, online quizzes are a good place to start, offering input on what you’re doing well, what tactics you should be more aware of, and what approaches you might want to consider changing.
Most experts agree that an authoritative parenting style is more effective than an authoritarian one. In this approach, you still have the final say, but you’re open to incorporating your kids’ ideas into a group problem-solving process, and you won’t make rules blindly without reason. Decisions are made with a good explanation as to why you’re making them.
“ Most experts agree that an authoritative parenting style is more effective than an authoritarian one.”
The authoritarian, or dictator, approach may accomplish a lot of your parenting goals, but it leaves your kids with no say in anything. As a result, they lose out on the opportunity to develop the problem-solving skills they will need as an adult. Everyone needs to know how to sit down with a group, brainstorm solutions, decide on the best one, and agree on their course of action. If your child can learn that at home, they will learn how to incorporate that skill into their own lives as they grow.
Reinventing Who You Are as a Parent
Divorce offers nearly endless opportunities for personal growth. Here is a second chance to choose what kind of parent you want to be. In my practice, I’ve noticed that while both spouses often have jobs outside the home, the women still tend to take on much more of the parenting role. As a result, the majority of my male clients have never even experienced what it’s like to be a half-time parent, much less a full-time one.
After divorce, however, these same men suddenly find that they’re responsible for their kids a full 50 percent of the time and realize they have to start parenting. It’s a wonderful opportunity to rebound, commit to the role, and do it well. Here’s my advice to all the ex-spouses—often men—who spent their marriage working too much and not spending enough time at home: take advantage of this new opportunity to spend time with your children.
The best way to do this is to change your work schedule. Plan to work late on days you don’t have the kids so you can get home early on days you do have them. In fact, plan on being home right after school, when kids are likely at their most talkative and they want to tell you about their days. When they have friends over, pay attention to how they interact with others and make yourself available if they ask you to participate in whatever they’re doing.
“ Plan to work late on days you don’t have the kids so you can get home early on days you do have them.”
Naturally, getting more involved with your kids’ lives depends greatly on your job flexibility. Some jobs allow for flexible hours, or even part- of full-time telecommuting, but this might not be true for you. If that’s the case, see if you can arrange for custody during times of the week where you’re more available.
Whatever you do, make sure you’re making the most out of this opportunity to impact your children’s lives. Remember, spending time with your kids is priceless, especially when they’re younger. You’ll be surprised at how quickly they become independent leaders of their own lives, teenagers who come home from school, retreat to their rooms, and maintain their own social circles. Don’t waste the time you have.
Seek Ways to Improve
As a parent, you should always be asking yourself, "Am I doing the best I can? What could I do differently?" Ask yourself that question over and over. For instance, making school lunches might not seem like a big deal, but if your kids aren’t eating them, then it’s up to you to improve or adjust so they do.
Here again, therapists are an invaluable resource for personal improvement. If you are unsure of your worth as a parent, and if you’re willing to be specific about your concerns, a therapist can offer feedback, help in a problem-solving capacity, or discuss alternatives. One of the best ways to improve your parenting skills is to ask yourself a lot of questions: What do my kids like? What are they good at? What could they use help with? What makes me proud of my kids? What makes me frustrated with them?
Look at all the good things and take pride in them, and then quickly move on to any lingering problems or areas they need help. Take some time with this. Look inside each issue and carefully consider what actions you could take (or encourage your kids to take) that will inspire.
David J. Glass is uniquely qualified to handle complex family law matters because he is one of a few select attorneys who is dually-trained in law and clinical psychology (PhD). He offers his clients an “inside look” at, and understanding of, the procedures employed by court-appointed mental health and psychological professionals, in addition to handling the full range of family law matters. Prior to his law career, Glass worked as a therapist treating adults with anxiety disorders, mood disorders and drug & alcohol addictions, and worked in a psychiatric emergency room. Glass is best known for handling A-list celebrities and was highly-lauded for his work on the Kelly Rutherford custody issue in its early stages. Glass has appeared on NBC’s Extra and Good Day L.A. as well as serving as a guest on KABC Radio’s Real Estate Zone, The Ed Tyll Show on Starcom Radio,WMT Radio, and “David and Friends” on WYTM radio. A regular columnist and contributor to "Divorce" magazine and Hitchedmag.com, Glass is currently working on a book, "Moving On," a tome geared to help divorcees and their families reconstruct their lives after divorce.
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