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11 Steps to Approach Conflict Effectively with Your SpouseAfter a conflict, this very simple step-by-step guide will explain how to approach your spouse all the way through to resolution.
Vera Arsic
There's a right way and wrong way to settle disputes.
“ By starting with stating an intention or acknowledgment, you have established a safer containment for the conflict and the blood flow remains in the frontal lobe for both people...”
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When you are part of a couple, it is best to know that conflict is inevitable and baked into the cake of relationship. The issue is not whether you have conflict, but rather how you deal with it when it arises.
Let’s first review some unhealthy ways of fighting that lead to a further divide: physical explosions and/or physical contact during anger, shutting down, avoiding, criticizing, blaming, yelling, using abusive name-calling or words, using past experiences as evidence to make a point, referring to other people’s opinions to support your argument, public demonstrations of anger, being dismissive and belittling, starting your statements with "You always..." or "You never..."
As well as mimicking, rolling eyes, walking out on someone during the conversation without contracting for a break, threatening to leave the relationship, using vulnerable information that you know about your partner during a fight, making statements that they are just like their parents who they never wanted to be like, and of course, a very common one these days--looking at your screens while your partner is desperately trying to tell you something. The result of all of the above behaviors leads to experiencing each other as enemies and erodes trust and the ability to bridge and repair.
It is best to approach conflict when you are not "activated" in the flight/flight or freeze zone. To make sure of this, it is often a good idea to first take space and cool down before further engaging in the conflict. Here are some healthy pointers that can help foster a sense of being a team, even in conflict, and help both of you to feel more confident in your ability to repair and bridge, no matter what the conflict is.
1. Make sure it is a good time to talk. Check within and make sure you have resources. Make sure you are not over-tired or overwhelmed. Ask your partner if this is a good time to address the conflict. If he or she says no, contract for a time to talk about it.
2. When you both have agreed to talk about the conflict, begin the conversation with either an intention or an acknowledgment. An intention can sound like, "I want for us to feel closer with one another, so I want to clear this." An acknowledgment can sound like, "I know that you love me and I appreciate how much you do to make my life easier." By starting with stating an intention or acknowledgment, you have established a safer containment for the conflict and the blood flow remains in the frontal lobe for both people, allowing for more effective bridging and repair.
3. Following the acknowledgement or intention, state the behavior that triggered you and the feeling that you felt. "When you ________, I felt __________."
4. Make sure you have referenced a behavior that can be videoed. For example, "When you rolled your eyes" or "When you walked out on me while I was talking" vs. "When you shamed me" or "When you were disrespectful," both of which are interpretations and can be argued.
5. When you refer to what you felt, make sure you use a feeling word that describes your experience. "I felt ____" e.g. mad, sad, scared, disappointed, frustrated. The feeling word is an invitation to your partner to know about what occurred within you.
6. Then state what you need. Be clear and behavioral. "I need to be able to finish what I am saying without you walking out on me."
7. Then state how having your need met would make a difference. For example, "This would help me to feel cared about by you" or "If you did this change in behavior, It would help me to feel safer for me to express myself."
8. Make sure your partner hears what you are saying. You can ask for him/her to mirror back to you what you said.
9. Own anything you can about your part in the fight. For example, "I know that I was yelling when you walked out and that you hate when I yell." Apologize for what you can. For example, "I am sorry for raising my voice at you when you have asked me not to."
10. Be willing to negotiate as a bridge for what you both need.
11. Acknowledge and thank your partner for hearing you.
Effective conflict resolution is a must for healthy authentic connection. When couples develop confidence in their ability to bridge during conflict, the relationship’s foundation is profoundly strengthened, and people find themselves freer to love and give of themselves to one another.
Deva Joy Gouss, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Atlanta Georgia for over 30 years. She and her husband give weekend couple retreat workshops called Nurturing Your Love. She also facilitates many other kinds of trainings and workshops including Council of All Beings, Tribe Time, Marrying Yourself, Yoga and Movement Celebration to name a few. She is author of "Re-arranged, Never the same: The Nature of Grief and Toolbox of Hope, For When Your Body Doesn’t Feel Good." Visit Deva Joy at www.healingheartcommunications.com/.
Let’s first review some unhealthy ways of fighting that lead to a further divide: physical explosions and/or physical contact during anger, shutting down, avoiding, criticizing, blaming, yelling, using abusive name-calling or words, using past experiences as evidence to make a point, referring to other people’s opinions to support your argument, public demonstrations of anger, being dismissive and belittling, starting your statements with "You always..." or "You never..."
As well as mimicking, rolling eyes, walking out on someone during the conversation without contracting for a break, threatening to leave the relationship, using vulnerable information that you know about your partner during a fight, making statements that they are just like their parents who they never wanted to be like, and of course, a very common one these days--looking at your screens while your partner is desperately trying to tell you something. The result of all of the above behaviors leads to experiencing each other as enemies and erodes trust and the ability to bridge and repair.
It is best to approach conflict when you are not "activated" in the flight/flight or freeze zone. To make sure of this, it is often a good idea to first take space and cool down before further engaging in the conflict. Here are some healthy pointers that can help foster a sense of being a team, even in conflict, and help both of you to feel more confident in your ability to repair and bridge, no matter what the conflict is.
1. Make sure it is a good time to talk. Check within and make sure you have resources. Make sure you are not over-tired or overwhelmed. Ask your partner if this is a good time to address the conflict. If he or she says no, contract for a time to talk about it.
2. When you both have agreed to talk about the conflict, begin the conversation with either an intention or an acknowledgment. An intention can sound like, "I want for us to feel closer with one another, so I want to clear this." An acknowledgment can sound like, "I know that you love me and I appreciate how much you do to make my life easier." By starting with stating an intention or acknowledgment, you have established a safer containment for the conflict and the blood flow remains in the frontal lobe for both people, allowing for more effective bridging and repair.
3. Following the acknowledgement or intention, state the behavior that triggered you and the feeling that you felt. "When you ________, I felt __________."
4. Make sure you have referenced a behavior that can be videoed. For example, "When you rolled your eyes" or "When you walked out on me while I was talking" vs. "When you shamed me" or "When you were disrespectful," both of which are interpretations and can be argued.
5. When you refer to what you felt, make sure you use a feeling word that describes your experience. "I felt ____" e.g. mad, sad, scared, disappointed, frustrated. The feeling word is an invitation to your partner to know about what occurred within you.
6. Then state what you need. Be clear and behavioral. "I need to be able to finish what I am saying without you walking out on me."
7. Then state how having your need met would make a difference. For example, "This would help me to feel cared about by you" or "If you did this change in behavior, It would help me to feel safer for me to express myself."
8. Make sure your partner hears what you are saying. You can ask for him/her to mirror back to you what you said.
9. Own anything you can about your part in the fight. For example, "I know that I was yelling when you walked out and that you hate when I yell." Apologize for what you can. For example, "I am sorry for raising my voice at you when you have asked me not to."
10. Be willing to negotiate as a bridge for what you both need.
11. Acknowledge and thank your partner for hearing you.
Effective conflict resolution is a must for healthy authentic connection. When couples develop confidence in their ability to bridge during conflict, the relationship’s foundation is profoundly strengthened, and people find themselves freer to love and give of themselves to one another.
Deva Joy Gouss, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Atlanta Georgia for over 30 years. She and her husband give weekend couple retreat workshops called Nurturing Your Love. She also facilitates many other kinds of trainings and workshops including Council of All Beings, Tribe Time, Marrying Yourself, Yoga and Movement Celebration to name a few. She is author of "Re-arranged, Never the same: The Nature of Grief and Toolbox of Hope, For When Your Body Doesn’t Feel Good." Visit Deva Joy at www.healingheartcommunications.com/.
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