Savoring Sex
5 great tips to end the boring and predictable sex in your marriage.
BY DR. DENISE J. CHARLES

DepositPhoto Be sure you participate in after-play. The good chemicals are pumping through your system making it a great time to reconnect. “ Because sex can be over before it even gets properly started, working in some deliberate delaying tactics may actually be great for increasing passion.”

I love dining out at restaurants. There's something about the scents, colors and textures of a carefully prepared plate, which whets my appetite—and, of course, there's the company that just seals the night. I like to think of sex like this; as an entirely diverse sensory experience, which, if handled well, can literally and figuratively whet our appetites for more.

In spite of the potential sizzle that sex represents, all of us who've been married for some time, have experienced hum-drum sex. We've been in the doldrums at one time or another and may have virtually yawned our way through a sexual encounter or two. The reality is that our sex lives can devolve into predictable, routine-based encounters leaving much to be desired. Squeezing in sex, as we must with our busy lives, often means that there's not enough time to savor the experience like that three-course restaurant meal.

If we hope to maximize the pleasure capacity of our marriages, carving out special times in our busy schedules where sex can be sacred, extra sensuous and totally sensory, is a great way to deepen our couple intimacy. The following tips could give you a great head start.

Think before you twink: Deepening the sexual dimension in marriage must begin in the area that matters most sexually; the mind. Where sex is concerned, it's important not to underrate the power of our thoughts or imaginations. Getting ourselves ready for a great sexual encounter involves using our minds to create those steamy bedroom scenes long before they happen. Not only is this a great way to get ourselves in the mood but it ensures that our lovemaking is well-informed. Putting thought into our lovemaking doesn't mean that it has to be dry or prescriptive. On the contrary, it can encourage us to use our knowledge of sex or of our spouse's wants and desires to make our encounters more meaningful.

Change sexual gears: Getting out of the rut of predictability is an essential aspect of sexual enjoyment. There is no better way to accomplish this than by doing something different sexually. Does your husband always initiate? Is he always on top? Are you always in submissive mode or are you comfortable always being the aggressor? Does lovemaking always finish in eight minutes flat? Switching gears sexually by assuming an out of character sexual role can be a great turn on as it can unleash untapped aspects of your sexual personality. This is, of course, also applicable to husbands who can learn to switch up how they normally perform sexually.

Move from bedroom to boudoir: Turning your boring bedroom into a love maker's haven is entirely possible with a few design details. If you have planned a wonderful three course sexual menu, then like in any good restaurant ambience is everything. Changing sheets, using a satin variety, spraying them with fragrance, adding splashes of color like reds or burgundy, using colored light bulbs or soft strains of romantic music, can all contribute to your location transformation. A sexy boudoir is likely to add some sexual zest to your mood and helps to create the physical framework for great sex.

Delay the main course: Savoring an experience means taking your time to enjoy it thoroughly. Because sex can be over before it even gets properly started, working in some deliberate delaying tactics may actually be great for increasing passion. Research has shown that women typically need 10-15 minutes to get fully aroused. This may mean staying dressed for as long as possible, including keeping undies on, being deliberately provocative with your undressing routine, or appealing to the visual by doing a slow and seductive dance where your spouse may only look and not touch. The objective here is to delay penetration, which is sure to heighten the arousal of both of you, as anticipation builds.

Engage in after-play: After the fireworks have subsided, after-play is a great way to stay emotionally connected with our spouse. Spooning together, giving an after-sex massage, showering together, sharing a joke or even a full-fledged body tickle are all great strategies for extending both the emotional and physical aspects of our recent sexual encounter. Because sex can break down barriers, after-play can also become an appropriate time to broach sensitive or undisclosed relationship issues. Allowing diversity into our sexual experience becomes, then, a great way to extend our sexual enjoyment while strengthening the overall marriage bond.

Dr. Denise J Charles is an educator, counselor, relationship-coach, published author and blogger. She holds a doctorate degree in education and is a qualified trainer-of-trainers. Dr. Denise is Executive Director of "Better Blends Relationship Institute," a counseling and training entity founded by herself and her husband Gabriel. Denise’s blog on sex can be found "here". Denise’s new book is "How To Have Mind-Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain."

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