The Gift of Intimacy
Listen up guys, because this could be the most important holiday sex advice you get. Dr. Read let’s you know exactly how women need to be woo’ed during the holiday season.
BY DR. TRINA READ

BigStockPhoto You don't need to give her a ring, just a little intimacy.

Men I have the perfect holiday gift for your special gal. You will not have to worry about size or color. Happily, you will not have fight your way through a busy shopping mall to find it. The best part about this gift is that it's absolutely free. Yet, as the MasterCard commercial suggests, it’s priceless.

Gentlemen, this holiday season give the gift of intimacy.

So what exactly is intimacy? Phil Rich wrote, "Defining intimacy is no straightforward task. Its meaning varies from relationship to relationship, and within relationships over time. In some relationships, intimacy is entwined with sex and feelings of closeness and may be connected or confused with sexual feelings. In other relationships, intimacy has more to do with shared moments than sexual interactions. In any case, intimacy is linked with feelings of closeness among partners in a relationship… Indeed, intimacy is a basic ingredient in any meaningful relationship."

There are two things working against men in the intimacy department.

• Men are taught by society that being emotionally connected is a no-no. Can you imagine a locker room full of men talking about how emotionally connected they feel to their teammates?
• Many men feel the act of sex is the same thing as intimacy. In fact, when men need emotional bonding and intimacy, they will seek out sex from their partner.

You might be asking, "Trina, how can I give the gift of intimacy?" Well, I just happen to have a four-step plan.

Step one: Make sure you take time each day to listen to her.

Step two: Make sure to share your positive feelings about her—do not assume that because you already told her once last week that she will remember it this week.

Step three: Make sure there is daily cuddling and hugging.

Step four: Make sure before having sex you and your gal have "bonding" time to warm her up.

Let me elaborate.

Intimacy begins with you being fully present when listening to her. Women need the Men are From Mars: Women are From Venus-type of listening to occur every single day.

While you’re listening to her go on and on about her frustrating day, she is emotionally connecting to you. Men tend to communicate intellectually and do not want to "feel" the problem. Instead, they want to pragmatically solve the problem. Please do not offer solutions unless she asks. If you become frustrated by what seems to be a loop in her conversation, ask her "Is there anything I can do to help?" If no, she simply needs to share and vent.

As your wife is your priority, give that 5 or 10 minutes of daily listening your best effort. Be engaged and make eye contact. Watch the need to interrupt or look bored. You need to turn off the TV or cell phone, close your mouth, open your ears and really pay attention.

Second, when a she asks you, "honey, what are you thinking?"—which probably drives the majority of men crazy—tell her how you are feeling. Usually women ask men this question because they feel an emotional disconnect. In order to get reconnected, they want to know what is going on inside your head.

Third, women (and men for that matter) need to be touched in a non-sexual way every single day. Make it a daily part of your routine to hug and kiss her when you wake up in the morning and before you go to bed. A male friend says he likes to lock pinkies with his gal when they are just sitting around (try it, it is actually quite powerful).

Fourth, women do not have an "on/ off sexual switch" that allows them to switch off their day and switch on being sexually ready.

Men read my lips: women need to disconnect from their day, and segue into sexually connecting with you. This takes time. Depending on what type of day she has had, it can take a lot of time. Why do you think sex experts make such a big deal out of foreplay? Foreplay includes, dropping hints about what will happen that evening, taking baths together, giving massages, touching and kissing; or anything to help her relax and reconnect.

Is helping her make the emotional switch sexually frustrating for you? Perhaps.

However, if a woman is not able to make the switch from her day to connecting with you, she will not desire sex as much. If sex occurs regardless of a switch, after a period of time, she will see sex as just another chore. Apathy and sexual boredom quickly ensues. There you have it gentlemen, the absolute perfect holiday gift for her. Wrap it up, put on a pretty bow and watch the glow of appreciation when she receives it.

Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers a free sex audio tip weekly on her website www.trinaread.com/t-sextips.

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